this beer tastes like vomit already
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
