The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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