apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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