You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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