Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
