It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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