I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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