is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
