Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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