Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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