It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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