I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
