hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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