It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
