the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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