cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
