Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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