Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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