This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
