The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
