so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
two words...techno handjob
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
