new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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