life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
