The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
