Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
