I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
