I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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