I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
And then he peed in my hair
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