Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
