I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
