By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
