I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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