You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
