I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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