My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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