If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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