Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
