I hate your face
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
