I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
