cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
