I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
