how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
