suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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