Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
