Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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