i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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