mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
