I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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