Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
