i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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