my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
